My 18th Birthday: A Probable End To Materialism?

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I am soon going to be eighteen; the year of freedom and liberation, independence and epiphanies, regretful experiences and learnings. It's THAT year. Except–  I already had all of that and I'm sure I will continue to. What do people love so much about becoming eighteen? 

I was talking to my friend last night and coincidentally, our birthdays are around the same time. We knew if things got better, we'd reserve ourselves to a full day of foolproof fun – the kind with yellow flowers, spontaneity, lots of food, tattoos and screaming, books and the vintage smell of clustered library hallways. All of these up-in-the-air plans struck something in me. Is it all I want? Do I not yearn for expensive gifts anymore? The answer is yes and no. I kept asking myself, trying to conjure something materialistic that I can ask for, be grateful and momentarily happy towards; something that would light excitement for the coming days. But really, I seem to have gotten nowhere. I have everything, and if this is what contentment feels like at almost eighteen, then I am content. I have a great life, non-boomer progressive parents who seem to never forget how proud their daughters make them, I have a very scary sister who I owe credit to for abstaining from drugs so far, I have a handful of friends I always want to remember, and I cannot wait for the experiences that await me. They scare the living crap out of me but I can't wait. I don't have 'wants' anymore that can be subdued by materialistic things. I have necessities that fuel a fire inside me. If you asked me what I want for this birthday, I would be clueless. And even when presented with the most expensive, beautiful gifts, I would say hard pass. Can somebody tell me what happened?

When I was younger, much much younger, I used to tuck myself to sleep with this rosy imagination of my life in New York, with one friend who gets me through this insane journey, a thinner waist, less chaotic hair, longer eyelashes, a wider variety of clothes, and – wait for it – a white boyfriend, preferably brimming with clout. You must be thinking, that's just pathetic. Let me tell you, for that period in time, I loved going to sleep because it would mean I could continue living in bliss, ignoring all odds of reality. I looked forward to this the entire day. Maybe it was some form of escape from all that was changing. It brought me happiness in hoping that one day I'd live a white-washed life. 

I don't anymore. White, fictitious boyfriends, New York City, longer eyelashes and thinner waists don't do it for me anymore. I used this fragment of my imagination to mount unreasonable expectations in my life, which I now realise is perfect the way it is. I have heavy baggage that accompanies my experiences and I wouldn't want it any other way. (My search for a therapist fails me even today, allow me the privilege of dark humour, please)

When I go to sleep, I tuck myself in with the hope that I can find permanence and stability in a person. I like consistency in batter and life. You know, when you're baking a cake, you whisk with power and might to create a thick batter with the smoothest texture and the sweetest taste, and when you finally have the consistency you need, you feel accomplished, happy and content with what you have? That's what I want, too. I want a cake batter with great consistency. I soon realised that I need the patience to achieve that kind of consistency. I hope to confide in people and not the walls of my bathroom. I want to change without forfeiting stability. If you could gift that to me on my birthday, I would accept it. Not even the glares of my governing modest mother could stop me. 

"Here is your gift – permanence and consistency. Have a great birthday and year ahead!

THANKS! THIS IS WHAT I WANTED AND I'M GLAD YOU GIFTED IT TO ME. CAN I ALSO HAVE SOME SELF ESTEEM? MAYBE SOME CONFIDENCE AND BODY POSITIVITY? 

Uh... I'm a little broke right now. 

OKAY SO, CHRISTMAS? EASTER? WHEN?

I'll let you know..."

Materialism is a concept that is bred within us and it fuels our need for more. And for many, this concept is a lifestyle. I am not Dalai Lama. I don't have the guidebook to living a perfect life that offers an endless amount of internal peace. I just know that the time between 13-17 isn't the greatest for anybody, let alone those who yearn for definitive answers in a world of explorative questions. I just know that we lose too much and gain much less. As we grow and observe and learn and understand, it becomes increasingly impossible to extricate ourselves from such luxuries. And the people who attempt at revolutionising their life, from being materialistic to finding and exploring psychological, intangible pleasure, from dreaming of luxurious livelihoods to building a home for yourself, from buying cars to negotiating contentment. i see you, and I salute you. It's a very hard thing to commit to and I'm proud of you. Now, I just want to preserve by making the temporary points an amplified wave of permanence. 

For anybody wondering, this is my birthday list:

1) Self-esteem 

2) Confidence 

3) Consolation 

4) FREE therapy







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